Diet Day is Tomorrow!

I must say, getting ready to start my diet has been an adventure.  I bought a scale, ordered diet food, started this blog, and got a journal. 

Measuring your body is a HUGE eye-opener.  Unless you are tiny (skinny-bitches can skip this part), you will just get highly pissed off after you document your fatness.  UGH!  I have to take my fat "before" pictures tomorrow. 

I'm tempted to find the grossest thing I can possibly wear, and put it on a poster telling young girls that if you get knocked up before you turn 30, this is what will you will look like.  Wonder how many unplanned pregnancies we'd see then! 

All that said, I am looking forward to a skinny version of myself that is still funny, and likes to have fun and make people feel good.  There's nothing like a fat girl turned skinny that forgets where she came from.  You know who you are:)  You are better than everyone else and you make sure they know it.  The only thing worse than a stuck-up skinny bitch is a fat-girl-turned-skinny bitch.  For some reason, when they lose the weight, they lose their personality.  If you see this happening to me, lock my in the closet with a dozen VooDoo Donuts!!!

To all of my friends and family that will be the focus on my blogs at some point - just remember, you are loved!

A guide to being the second spouse.

Doug and I are raising six boys!  Granted, Zach is 19, but he still likes to come home to do laundry, eat, and be a part of the family.  We have neglected ourselves, eachother, and our marriage at times for their sake.  I have learned that the happy blended family is an urban legend.  Damn Brady family!  I do know why they worked - there were no exes.  Convenient.

My parents divorced when I was a pre-teen.   I HATED my step dad.  He was a complete and total prick.  He liked to smack us kids around and yell at us.  Basically, he is a douchebag bully that needed his ass kicked around the block a time or two.  Mom has since remarried who knows how many times, so he is no longer a problem.

My step mom seemed at a loss as what to do with 4 step kids.  I appreciate how she must have felt now that I am in her position.  I used to think she didn't want us around.  I can understand now that she didn't want to deal with my mom's drama.  She probably felt very frustrated.  My mom was batshit crazy, and nasty to deal with on a good day.  My step mom had to deal with us kids invading her space, and also had to deal with how my dad was feeling, not to mention the financial dramas.  I can really appreciate how hard that must have been to her.  She was never mean to us.  She just kept her distance.  Much like I do with my step kids.  I can appreciate why she must have done that.  Self preservation!  You are damned if you do, and a cold-hearted bitch if you don't!

Step-parenting is the single worst, least rewarding job I have ever had.  I tell my friends that the kids are going to treat you like a second class citizen so that they feel loyal to their other parent.  I just plain sucks.  your job is to take the bullshit and NEVER EVER bad mouth the other parent.  You will be thanked in criticism and accusations.  Take heart, once they grow up and the child support is done being paid, I think they turn into humans.  My oldest stepson is graduating this spring, so he is a test case.  Your reward as a step parent will come in one of two ways - they will decide you aren't the evil person you were painted out to be, or they will become a step parent and appreciate the good example you set for them.  I'm hoping the will come to appreciate me.

My husband could have married Mary Poppins and she would have been accused of being an unfit step parent.  My husband's ex has been a real treat.  She makes Saddam look like a sweet guy.  I'm not here to bad-mouth her.  Life is too short.  Besides, why give her the satisfaction?

Now on to the in-laws.  They may love you dearly, but you are not the mommy or daddy to their precious grandchildren.  The grandchildren are sweet, innocent little cherubs that do no wrong.  The children are the innocent victims, yadda yadda. Yeah. Right.  Don't get yourself all stressed and worried if they don't like you.  They didn't marry you.  Just make a good life and start new traditions with your spouse.  Don't put too much thought into why the in-laws feel the way they do.  Not only will you go nuts, you will be wasting your time.  It is great if they like you, but chances are that they will keep you at arm's length.  Just be happy if they don't interfere.  :)

Ranting and Raving

Rants:

• Anyone over 25 shopping in the juniors section.  Just because you can fit into it, it does not mean you should wear it.  Nothing says "I'm trying too hard" like dressing in the same clothes as your preteen daughter.
• Talking to my boobs.  Seriously.  Pop quiz: What color are my eyes?
• Whiners.  Nobody likes to hear about how hard your life is.  Chances are really good they have been through worse shit than you have.  Even if they haven't, who cares if daddy didn't praise you enough.  What matters is who you are now and what you are doing with your life. 
• Mama's boys.  UGH!  Cut the umbilical cord and be a man.  We don't want to be your mommy and we won't take shit from her either. 

Raves:

• My husband.  He drives me insane, and I cannot imagine life without him.  He challenges me, and calls me out.  He makes me want to be a better person.  He treats me better than I treat myself sometimes.
• Coffee. God bless who invented it.
• Dogs.  I cannot describe how much my dog means to me.  I adore her.  How can anyone not have a dog and say they are truly happy?
• My Nook.  I love my husband so much for making me buy it.
• The beach.  Need I explain?
• Laughter.  

 

Say WHAT???!!!

This is the first time I've ever blogged for myself.  I started a family blog and abandoned it.  It's a big job to report on the life of 7 other people, so I thought I would focus on the one person I neglect the most - me!  I am in a rut.  I feel like I'm 50.  How bad is it that I wanted to kiss the sales girl at Sephora for asking me how old I am and making me show her ID to prove it.  I swear it was a sales tactic, but she was pretty not-so-bright, so it's probable she was being honest.

I'm starting a serious diet - Medifast.  My biggest fear in life is to end up looking like my mom.  I fear that more than spiders.  For those of you that have met my mom, you know she was pretty a long time ago, but she just gave up.  Hit the wall.  Lost her marbles.  Lost who she was.  The thought of looking like and being like her gives me nightmares.  She's got a heart of gold, but I don't want to be that person who's just pretty on the inside.  Call me vain, but we all know how important looks are.  Besides, who wants to scare the shit out of the world at the thought of seeing you naked?

I've decided to make myself over from the inside-out.  I want to find a church I like.  Hopefully one that won't burst into flames when I walk in the door.  But most of all, I want to be able to let go of some past hurt and resentment.  Nothing makes a fat girl run to cake like disappointment or hurt feelings. 

While I am waiting for my diet food and materials to arrive, I am taking a farewell tour of my favorite foods that will become a no-go for the foreseeable future.  I went to Trader Joe's and got 2 bottles of my favorite wine.  I got a nice, fat hunk of brie.  I got some crackers.  I'm going to enjoy them Christmas Eve.

For those of you that get offended, too bad.  It's my blog.  Don't read it. For those of you that like it - great!  Hopefully it makes someone chuckle.  Comments are welcome - just don't be a wimp if I write back or blog about you!