Thursday, December 30, 2010

A guide to being the second spouse.

Doug and I are raising six boys!  Granted, Zach is 19, but he still likes to come home to do laundry, eat, and be a part of the family.  We have neglected ourselves, eachother, and our marriage at times for their sake.  I have learned that the happy blended family is an urban legend.  Damn Brady family!  I do know why they worked - there were no exes.  Convenient.

My parents divorced when I was a pre-teen.   I HATED my step dad.  He was a complete and total prick.  He liked to smack us kids around and yell at us.  Basically, he is a douchebag bully that needed his ass kicked around the block a time or two.  Mom has since remarried who knows how many times, so he is no longer a problem.

My step mom seemed at a loss as what to do with 4 step kids.  I appreciate how she must have felt now that I am in her position.  I used to think she didn't want us around.  I can understand now that she didn't want to deal with my mom's drama.  She probably felt very frustrated.  My mom was batshit crazy, and nasty to deal with on a good day.  My step mom had to deal with us kids invading her space, and also had to deal with how my dad was feeling, not to mention the financial dramas.  I can really appreciate how hard that must have been to her.  She was never mean to us.  She just kept her distance.  Much like I do with my step kids.  I can appreciate why she must have done that.  Self preservation!  You are damned if you do, and a cold-hearted bitch if you don't!

Step-parenting is the single worst, least rewarding job I have ever had.  I tell my friends that the kids are going to treat you like a second class citizen so that they feel loyal to their other parent.  I just plain sucks.  your job is to take the bullshit and NEVER EVER bad mouth the other parent.  You will be thanked in criticism and accusations.  Take heart, once they grow up and the child support is done being paid, I think they turn into humans.  My oldest stepson is graduating this spring, so he is a test case.  Your reward as a step parent will come in one of two ways - they will decide you aren't the evil person you were painted out to be, or they will become a step parent and appreciate the good example you set for them.  I'm hoping the will come to appreciate me.

My husband could have married Mary Poppins and she would have been accused of being an unfit step parent.  My husband's ex has been a real treat.  She makes Saddam look like a sweet guy.  I'm not here to bad-mouth her.  Life is too short.  Besides, why give her the satisfaction?

Now on to the in-laws.  They may love you dearly, but you are not the mommy or daddy to their precious grandchildren.  The grandchildren are sweet, innocent little cherubs that do no wrong.  The children are the innocent victims, yadda yadda. Yeah. Right.  Don't get yourself all stressed and worried if they don't like you.  They didn't marry you.  Just make a good life and start new traditions with your spouse.  Don't put too much thought into why the in-laws feel the way they do.  Not only will you go nuts, you will be wasting your time.  It is great if they like you, but chances are that they will keep you at arm's length.  Just be happy if they don't interfere.  :)

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